Thursday, November 24, 2011

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful For


Today I am thankful for (in no particular order):
  1. Being "adopted" by my best friends family for Thanksgiving so my children and I don't spend the day alone (hubby and I split right after Thanksgiving last year so this year I don't have him & my step children here)
  2. The first time in 16 years I don't have to single-handedly cook a Thanksgiving feast
  3. Britney's Bipolar is stabilized
  4. My best friend is on the mend physically and emotionally following her double mastectomy and numerous complications and subsequent surgeries to 'fix' the problems encountered
  5. Haley's boyfriend of 2 years is finally making efforts to come over and get to know us
  6. The wonderful people I have encountered that truly understand where I'm coming from since I began this blog (you ladies know you are and I am so thankful for you!)
  7. Britney's stabilization has allowed us to get closer
  8. My new-found love of and talent for making homemade cards
  9. My friend letting me use her endless supply of crafting supplies to make homemade cards (it has been so therapeutic)
  10. My daughters!
I will get back on track with posting after the Thanksgiving holiday. I have spent a great deal of time helping my friend on her road to recovery following her mastectomy. It has been an honor for me to help her during her lowest point and I'm glad I was able to help.

More Bipolar posts coming up but first I have to stuff my face and then dig in the back of my closet for my "fat pants" to wear for a couple of weeks :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
~Melissa

Thursday, November 17, 2011

1 in 12 Teens Self Harm



This article on a study that was just released caught my attention. My daughter self harms, as do many Bipolar and depressed teenagers. It is alarming to read that it is actually a strong predictor of  who will later commit suicide! Does your BP teen self harm?
_________________________________________________________________________________

One in 12 young people, mostly girls, engage in self-harming such as cutting, burning or taking life-threatening risks and around 10 percent of these continue to deliberately harm themselves into young adulthood, a study found Thursday.
Since self-harming is one of the strongest predictors of who will go on to commit suicide, the psychiatrists who conducted the study said they hoped its findings would help galvanize support for more active and earlier intervention for people at risk.
"The numbers we're talking about here are huge," said Keith Hawton of the Center for Suicide Research at Britain's Oxford University, who reviewed the findings at a briefing in London.
George Patton, who led the study at the Center for Adolescent Health at the Murdoch Children's Research Institute in Melbourne, Australia, said the findings revealed a "window of vulnerability" when young people were in their mid-teens and often struggling with emotional control.
"Self-harming represents a way of dealing with those emotions," he told the briefing.
In a report of their work in the Lancet medical journal, Patton's team also said young people who self-harm often have mental health problems that might not resolve without treatment.
"Because of the association between self-harm and suicide...the treatment of common mental disorders during adolescence could constitute an important...component of suicide prevention in young adults," they said.
Self-harm is a global health problem and is especially common among girls and women aged 15 to 24. Experts say they fear rates of self-abuse in this age group may be rising.
According to the World Health Organization, almost a million people die from suicide each year, giving a mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. In the last 45 years, suicide rates have increased by 60 percent worldwide.
"MELTING POT"
In this study, Patton and Paul Moran of King's College London's Institute of Psychiatry followed a sample of young people in Victoria, Australia aged from around 15 to around 29 between 1992 and 2008.
A total of 1,802 people responded in the adolescent phase, and 149, or 8 percent, of them reported self-harm. More girls than boys said they self-harmed -- with rates of 10 percent and 6 percent respectively, translating to a 60 percent increased risk of self-harm in girls compared with boys.
Moran said a combination of hormonal changes during puberty, brain changes in the mid-teens with the final development of the pre-frontal cortex -- the brain area associated with planning, personality expression and moderating behavior -- and environmental factors such as peer pressure, emotional difficulties and family tensions appeared to be key factors.
"Hormonal changes are highly likely to be important in creating a sort of chemical melting pot which is very ripe for environmental factors to start working on -- particularly difficult family dynamics," he said.
Cutting and burning were the most common forms of self-harm for adolescents, with other methods such as poisoning, taking overdoses, and battery also featuring.
By the time the participants reached young adulthood, however, rates of self-harm dropped dramatically so that by age 29, less than 1 percent of participants reported deliberately doing something they knew would hurt or endanger themselves.
Marjorie Wallace, chief executive of the mental health charity SANE, said this reduction over time "should not seduce us into thinking that self-harm is just a phase that young people will grow out of."
"Sadly our own experience, echoed by many other studies, shows...an alarming increase in the numbers of those who self-harm and the severity of their injuries," she said.
The researchers said while it was reassuring that around 90 percent of teenagers who report self-harm are no longer doing it in adulthood, it was also important to recognize the high risks for the 10 percent who continue to do so as they grow up.
Hawton said previous studies had shown that self-harmers who come into hospital during their teenage and young adult years are 100 times more likely than the general population to commit suicide.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Good, the Bad and the Mastectomy

I have good news and bad news.
  • Good News:
    • No more rages since Britney's brief, but volatile meltdown last week
    • She is pretty stable
My bad news is off topic but it is something - or someone, I should say - very important to me and my kids.

My best friend just had a double mastectomy and breast reconstruction surgery. She has had complication after complication and today the reconstruction failed and had to be removed in her third surgery of the past 3 days. She is understandably devastated. I ask that you please pray for her recovery and for her spirits to be lifted. Thank you.


Bipolar is still stabilized..halleluiah!!

Wishing you balance.
~Melissa

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Mom the Punching Bag

Another night of being physically assaulted by my child. I don't know how much more I can handle. I feel like I'm living with an abusive spouse but because it's my child...my baby... punching, clawing, slapping, cussing, elbowing me and twisting my wrists, it cuts me so deep. I can feel my soul ache.

She and I are about the same height and weight making it feel like I put in a couple rounds in a boxing ring sometimes, but the pain in my heart far outweighs any physical pain.

I'm at a total loss and about out of tears.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

IEP and 504 Plan Resource

I found this pdf document and have listed it on my "Resources" page.
It is written by the National Association of School Psychologists and it gives good, detailed information about Early Onset Bipolar Disorder and also on page 3 and 4 it lists school based treatments (or provisions) to be made for the Bipolar student.

All wonderful ideas to list on your child's IEP or 504 Plan.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Promising New Research Study



JBRF Announces FDA Approval to Proceed with Clinical Trial

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Maplewood, NJ - November 3, 2011

The Juvenile Bipolar Research Foundation (“JBRF”) announced today that the Federal Drug Administration (“FDA”) has approved its submission of a request to study the use of intranasal ketamine in the treatment of children ages 6-12 with bipolar disorder who also have an identifiable biological marker associated with body temperature dysregulation. “This research, funded by donations from supporters of JBRF, will be the first placebo-controlled study to apply this novel treatment in this age group “ said Inger Sjogren, Executive Director of the JBRF.

Dr. Demitri Papolos, Director of Research of the JBRF, noted that a controlled study of ketamine using, for the first time, an intranasal form of administration will build upon previous work performed in both children and adults. A pilot study that he and his colleagues have conducted with over 30 children who struggle with bipolar disorder and are resistant to traditional treatments has already shown great promise using this approach. In many cases, full resolution of symptoms in the most severe form of the disorder has been observed. This work is consistent with findings from studies in adults with treatment resistant depression who received a single dose of ketamine given intravenously.

Ketamine may prove to have the most positive impact on a unique set of behavioral, cognitive and physiological characteristics associated with a group of children who are the most resistant to traditional treatments and suffer repeated hospitalizations. Dr. Papolos and his colleagues first reported on the specific behavioral attributes in this group, termed Fear of Harm, in the Journal of Affective Disorders in 2009. Since that time, a specific biological marker has been attributed to this severe subtype of the illness in children. This marker, associated with a dysregulation of body temperature will be further studied with the use of a novel monitor designed to collect a wide range of physiological signals related to temperature and sleep.

Ms. Sjogren said that the study was expected to begin within the next 3 months and last approximately 12 months. Further information is available at http://www.jbrf.org/.

The JBRF is a 501(c)(3) corporation founded to support research into the study and treatment of bipolar disorder in children and adolescents.

For information regarding the JBRF and its mission please contact Executive Director Inger Sjogren at ingersjogren@jbrf.org.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The "S" Word!!


I've decided in order to make things less confusing, I am giving my daughters fictitious names instead of just saying "my oldest daughter" or oftentimes just "my daughter" because I do have two daughters but mostly just talk about the youngest, who is the one suffering with mental illnesses.
  • 15 year old: Britney
    • Bipolar 1 ultra-rapid cycling and at times ultradian cycling, mixed episodes
    • PTSD
    • OCD
    • ODD
    • Panic Disorder
    • Social Anxiety
  • 19 year old: Haley
    • does not live at home
    • attends college
Friday I took Britney to have a mental evaluation for the Disability Determination Board, in our efforts to get Social Security Disability for her. This is our second go-round filing a disability claim. The first time she was denied - apparently this is the norm for the first application, as there is someone whose sole job is to stamp "DENIED" on all incoming claims without even reading them, hoping they won't appeal or file a new one. Well, he won last time because with all I had going on I missed the deadline for the appeal and didn't give it another thought until her illness was out of hand and required numerous hospitalizations in a short period of time. So I started the process again a couple months back. This is the first time we've been sent for a mental evaluation and this time there are so many new in patient and outpatient hospitalizations in her file - hopefully her claim will go through this time. Wish us luck! I know many of you know what a long process this can be.


After the mental evaluation Britney had an appointment with the Pdoc. We had good things to report for the first time in a long time! The Ativan on a regular schedule (1/2 mg three time a day) added to her current cocktail of mood stabilizer and anti psychotic seems to be working well and she is...(whisper voice)...stabilized. I was scared to say that word and have knocked on every piece of wood I have encountered since saying it. After many years of instability, a few knuckle splinters is small potatoes!

So although her behavior isn't perfect - I'm not looking for perfect. I'm content that I don't have to walk on eggshells, I haven't had to deal with any rages lately and I actually get smiles, laughter and joking around from Britney! That is my perfection! I am so happy and she is happy. This is just heaven!

Now that things are so calm and serene around here I hate to dredge up the bad rages and live them all over again but  I promised I'd tell you about it so I'm going to enjoy the calm for a couple of days and will post about it soon.


Wishing you balance.
~Melissa

Monday, October 31, 2011

Bullies and Heroes


It’s that time of year again. For one week every fall the Fair comes to town and it is all anyone in town talks about, young and old. Teenagers are usually dropped off and walk around meeting up with friends and riding the rides together for hours and hours having a blast. My daughter is no exception. I told her she could be dropped off this year, it would be the first year I felt comfortable doing that…the only problem is she isn’t stabilized and I know all it would take is one snide remark from a  snarky teenager (do they come in any other variety?) and she would rage. When she’s in rage-mode there’s no stopping her and the teen on the receiving end would most likely be seriously injured and any police that attempted to intervene would be assaulted as well. This was my fear in addition to her getting high, causing serious interactions because she’s on a regular dosing schedule of Ativan and that can’t mix well with other nervous system depressants.
I also worried that I would get a frantic call from her or from police and be unable to get to her for quite a while due to the heavy fair traffic. So, I stayed at the fair and walked around by myself for 8 hours and surprisingly I didn’t run into her one time. I called her every couple of hours to check on her and had her meet up with me 7 hours in so I could lay eyes on her.
Aside from aches and pains from walking around in the cold for 8 hours it was a pretty uneventful night. She had so much fun and got to experience the fair just like the other teenagers do.
On the way home her phone was ringing and text messages coming through in rapid succession. She was visibly distraught reading them and from her side of the conversations when she picked up the phone, she was being harassed.  Cue my sinking heart.
By the time we arrived home she was getting harassing calls, texts, posts all over her Facebook page, and several other kids posted cruel and vicious statuses about her. She was called fat, ugly, a whore, bitch, told nobody likes her and even told to go kill herself! The heartless, cruel little assholes had no idea that that’s exactly what they could cause if they continued the vicious attacks on her!! I just wanted to hurt every vicious little twit for hurting my child! Not rational, but that’s what my heart wanted so badly!
She wound up melting down once we got home. She was angry, crying, throwing things, cussing me, and screaming that she can’t take it anymore. It hurt my heart so much! She was quickly spinning out of control and refusing to take her medication. I told her if she kept refusing her meds I had no choice but to call 911 to take her to the hospital because she needed her medication and I knew the situation would only escalate. I had to call 911.
A couple minutes later she took her medication. Seconds after taking it she was crying and threw something else across the house. In a near-growl she said “I’m sorry. I’m SOOO angry and I don’t know what to do!”  You could see the anger and tension in her balled up fists and rigid body posture but her face only conveyed pain. My poor baby was hurting so bad.
I picked up the phone to call 911 back and let them know they weren’t needed and she took her medication but as I was calling I saw the familiar blue lights of a police car dancing through the window and pulsating on our walls. The paramedics were immediately behind the police.
We have become acquainted with several paramedics and one police officer in particular. They are our heroes. They have been so kind, understanding and patient with me and my daughter and I am so very thankful for that.
A new officer came in that night and I explained the situation and told him she finally did take her Ativan and would calm down shortly.  He stuck around to wait for it to kick in and make sure everything was ok. But what impressed me the most was while he was waiting he asked a lot of questions about her illness and was very empathetic. Our “usual” officer showed up too and walked straight in and addressed me by name and shook my hand, addressed my daughter by name and said hello to her.  The two officers stayed for about fifteen minutes asking questions and listening to what I had to say in regards to my daughters’ illness and that made me feel so good about the people that respond to my frantic calls when we’re in the midst of a crisis.  I have experienced the opposite end of the spectrum where we had officers physically hurt my child and yell at her that there’s nothing wrong with her, she’s just a bad kid and needs to straighten up and left her with a saucer-sized hematoma on her lower back as a reminder of what happens when you don’t do what they tell you to. We are very fortunate to have the paramedics and officers that we do. I plan on making them something as a token of our appreciation.
Oh – it turns out all the harassing was my daughters’ ex-best friend recruiting people to gang up on her because she was mad that my child broke up with the kid she was ‘dating’ and now had a new boyfriend. Really!?! My child suffered because of that petty bullshit!!
I intervened online and by calling the instigators dad. Please pray the torment has stopped.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

S.O.S.


http://www.livingdesign.info/2010/08/17/ghost-by-marco-brambilla/
I, once again, have some catching up to do to get everyone  filled in on the events that have been unfolding over the past several days. To sum it up for now (I will post details soon, things have been incredibly hectic lately and free time non-existent), the Lithium was not a good fit, it caused aggression, irritability and O.D.D. in full swing. My birthday was Saturday and it was one of the worst days of my life. I gave her Ativan to combat the aggression and calm her and it worked well, I did this for two days until I could speak to the Pdoc on Monday (since my child was not going to the hospital voluntarily). The doctor decided to put her on Klonopin since the Ativan was working so well to counteract the Lithium and keep her calm.

Uhmmm, why would you change something if it's working? Klonopin is like Ativan only stronger, from my understanding, and therein lies the problem! She was supposed to take it three times a day and I got the prescription late Monday so she got one dose Monday evening and Tuesday was the first day she received the full 3 doses. Two hours after the third dose of the day, I found myself in a power struggle in my home with a child who looked and acted like she was in a drunken bar room brawl!

She refused to let me get on my computer to finish an assignment that I needed to turn in online in an hour. She became physical with me with bouts of crying between the acts of physical and verbal aggression. While this was going on her eyes were barely opened, she was slurring and her coordination was off. As a result I had to call 911 and she fought the police and paramedics that arrived and had to be forcefully taken to the hospital in handcuffs in the back of a police cruiser with me following along behind them crying so hard I could barely see.

I am now way behind in my schoolwork, have chronic pain from an old 'injury' aggravated during our struggle, missed time from work and just a bundle of nerves and prone to tears for no reason at all and my poor child is so exasperated with all of the medication changes and not finding a good fit. I promise to fill every one in on the details, but let me just say it was an emotionally and physically exhausting several days. I keep tapping out an S.O.S. but nobody answers!!


Wishing you balance.
~Melissa

Friday, October 14, 2011

Lithium and birth control

We just returned from the Pdoc - it seems like six months since we last saw him, so much has happened in that one month! He added Lithium to the medication cocktail . 300 mg twice a day. She was on Lithium back in 2009 and we didn't have good results but we have noticed that she is able to tolerate meds better now that were tried when she was younger and much smaller, so we're giving this a shot again. He also wants her to be put on birth control since she and I just discovered that just before her monthly visitor comes she sprouts horns and has the uncanny ability to turn her head completely around. He is unable to write a prescription for birth control so I must make another appointment and get her in to see our family doctor for that.
This is a blessing in two ways, since her hypersexuality episodes have me scared to death knowing it's just a matter of when, not if...
I told her we are having a condom party this weekend! I'm getting some bananas and pretty, colorful condoms and teaching her how to properly put them on and giving her some pretty condoms as party favors - just incase. I already drilled the cute slogan in her head "Don't Be Silly, Wrap Your Willy!"


 I'll keep everyone posted on the new meds and also fill you in on the adventurous month we had.


Wishing you balance.
~Melissa

Monday, September 26, 2011

M.I.A.


photo by mkorchia/edited by me 

My daughter had been dealing with the depressive side of her Bipolar Disorder for a while. Although she has mixed episodes and cycles rapidly, the depression was the most prevalent mood. She would cry every night and almost always fell asleep crying. There was never any culprit that allowed me to give her a pep talk or ‘fix’ the problem for her – the sadness wasn’t situational, it was chemical.
 Because this was the prevalent mood for some time, her previous psychiatrist put her on an antidepressant and essentially opened the flood gates of hell. Every visit to her doctor we were complaining about something new and suffered serious issues at home. It never dawned on me that the antidepressant caused her to become manic. The initial phases of mania were pleasant to both of us. Although she was bouncing off the walls hyper and talking fast and jumping from topic to topic, unable to stay focused on anything, it was a welcome change to have her smiling at me, to hear her laughter again and see her loving life. Because of that I never realized she was manic, I just thought, ‘YES, she’s happy again and it’s been so long since I’ve seen her happy or since she has been happy that she’s really excited’!  Well that initial phase of mania went away and she escalated into the next phase of mania, an even higher phase that was aggressive, violent, risk taking, all-knowing and defiant. If she didn’t want to do something, she was not doing it, from doing the dishes to doing schoolwork. She didn’t care about consequences and would openly defy me. I would threaten to ground her and she would cuss at me and say she didn’t care. How can you protect a child who doesn’t care about consequences and will just pick up and walk out the door and go wherever she damned well pleased?
Well, all this led to her being hospitalized for her protection. During that hospitalization we ran into her old psychiatrist, one I was happy with and she liked and who saw her since the very beginning of her illness (or at least when it became very evident something was very wrong) but he had to shuffle some of his patients to another doctor due to a cut back in his schedule. He would stop me in the hallway as I was coming or going from visitations on a daily basis to discuss how she was doing. After filling him in on what was going on and what meds she was taking he said “Doctor ___ has her on an antidepressant?! That’s what’s wrong, Melissa!".
 I didn’t realize that was what caused the months of being in and out of the hospital, aggressive behavior, smashing things in the house, running away, suicide attempts, cutting, drug use and all the other behavior and mood disturbances. Luckily I was so angry that we had gotten nowhere with her doctor that when she became inpatient that time I specifically asked that her doctor not be assigned to her while she was there so the staff psychiatrist saw her instead. The staff psychiatrist told me the same thing, a Bipolar child should not be put on antidepressants because instead of making the child happy they become manic. He took her off the antidepressant and added a mood stabilizer to the anti psychotic medication she was already taking. She improved and was stepped down from inpatient to outpatient. 
After her second day as outpatient she overdosed on her new mood stabilizer! Thankfully I got a call from her sister telling me to watch her closely because she was saying goodbyes and told her sister she wanted to die. As I was talking to her sister I realized she had gotten up from the computer, where moments before she was crying and angrily typing away (and became enraged when I inquired about what was wrong) and I saw the light coming from under my bathroom door. I hung up and ran to my bathroom and tried to open the door - it was locked! She never locks the door, it's a rule we set up under the advisement of an old therapist to be sure she is safe. When she heard me try the door she said "It's too late mom, I already overdosed, I'm dying". Panic set in!

She was forced to ingest charcoal to absorb the pills in her stomach. I say forced because she became so delusional, psychotic and hallucinated terribly in the hospital and couldn't drink the charcoal so a tube was inserted into her nose that went down to her stomach and charcoal was put in the tube - of course the experience caused her to have severe panic attacks but she was alive!
She spent the night in the "suicide watch" room of the E.R. and I watched her closely, putting my ear to her chest every so often to be sure her heart was still beating(not trusting the monitors). I didn't sleep at all that night and the following morning she was escorted in a security vehicle back to the psychiatric hospital as inpatient.

Following her release she began doing better but soon became depressed and was hospitalized again for her safety. This time she had been seeing her old psychiatrist outpatient (the one we liked so well and I chatted with in the hallway of the psychiatric hospital). He phoned me while she was inpatient and said he wanted to go up on her Tegretol (mood stabilizer) and I reminded him that at higher doses she had hallucinations on it when she was first put on it in the psychiatric hospital, so he said he was very hesitant to do this, but how about if we try a very low dose antidepressant. I agreed. Why did I agree?!

Well, you can see where this going. During my visitation I noticed she was happy and smiling and it was so nice to have my little girl back! She stayed in the hospital for 8 days. Upon her release her mood began to shift some. Her boyfriend broke up with her, which is devastating to any teenage girl but for her it was just enough to set off a chain reaction. She began getting angry, yelling and cussing at me, refusing to listen to anything I said. One evening she just walked out of her room and said "I'm leaving" and had a book bag on her back. She was not stabilized at all - it was a day to day balancing act - and I was monitoring her closely until her doctor could see her. Aside from the dangers lurking for any teenage runaway, I knew with her mental state it could very well be the last time I saw her alive. I called 911 and ran out of the house after her.  She ran into the woods and I couldn't catch her. I saw the police pulling up so I went back to the house and told the officer everything. As he was taking notes, she walked up in tears, sat down next to me on the porch and apologized. I thanked the officer and he stayed while I called the doctor's office and gave my baby her medicine that calms her down and also sedates her. I was making her go to sleep so I knew she was safe until I could speak to her doctor in the morning, since I was unable to get anyone on the emergency line.

The doctor told me to stop the antidepressant immediately, which I did. This is when I realized the early stages of mania, which I usually find so pleasant, is just that, mania, and it progresses to this awful, dark and dangerous place.

She had more issues with self harming and depression, requiring an overnight hospital stay after which the doctor raised her Abilify, which is her anti psychotic medication. Soon after the dosage increase she became angry and threw her drink at me and went off somewhere without telling me and when her sister and I finally found her after an hour of driving around, she punched her sister in the face! I had to call police to force her to come home with me but the following day was the most frightening and alarming yet.

She came in to my room and was being so sweet, laying her head on me and giggling. I was getting up to make us breakfast and I reached in my purse to give her her morning medication and she refused to take it. She stormed out of my room and said she wasn't taking her medicine. I in turn told her she would be grounded until she took her medication. I tried to take her phone that she was texting on and she pulled it away and cussed at me so I grabbed her laptop and took it to my room and she yelled out that she didn't care because she could still get online with her phone. I could not allow her to refuse medication and still get to do whatever she wanted without any consequences so I went back to her room and snatched the phone out of her hand and told her she could have it all back as soon as she took her medication. When I turned my back to walk back to my room I was barraged with a series of punches to the back. As a side note, my daughter is fifteen and the same height and weight as me. She's a strong kid and it was like being hit by a grown man. When I turned around she slapped me across the face. I pushed her down on the couch she was standing next to, turned and proceeded to walk to my room. She ran behind me and punched me some more and when I turned to yell at her she threw a glass at me filled with water and then hit me in the head. I realized this was getting way out of hand and I was trying my best to retreat to my room hoping she would calm down but instead she followed me into my bedroom and began hitting me over and over in the face yelling "GIVE ME MY PHONE YOU F***ING B**CH!!" - emphasising each word with a hard blow. I couldn't hit her back. Although she was trying to beat me unconscious, she was still just a child.  She hit me over and over until I saw flashes of light and thought I would pass out. I was on my bed and I thought to myself, if I pass out she's going to kill me!! I yelled throughout the ordeal "GET OFF OF ME!" "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" "CALM DOWN!" and "STOP IT!" I used my legs to push her off of me and before I could attempt to retreat or protect my face she was right back on me  - I pushed her off again and she'd scramble back as I was pushing her - over and over and over, I couldn't get her off of me! I needed to get her away but also be sure I didn't hurt her. She was cussing at me, her face contorted into an expression of pure hate. I began having chest pains, my heart was pounding so hard and I couldn't catch my breath. In short bursts of words with a huge gasp of air between each syllable I said "I- THINK- I'M- HAV-ING-A-HEART-A-TTACK-PLEASE-STOP!". But she wouldn't.


photo by mkorchia/edited by me 
  When I laid back on the bed to call 911 to get help for her and be sure I wasn't having a heart attack,  she grabbed the phone from my hand, thinking she finally got her phone away from me. She got off the bed, stood at the foot of the bed and laughed holding the phone up. When she realized it was my phone she got mad and snapped it in two. She stormed off to her bedroom and I called 911 on her phone.

I was not having a heart attack, thankfully. The physical wounds will heal. When the police saw the cuts and bruises on me they wanted to charge her with domestic violence and I would not allow it. I'm glad they didn't push the issue because they very well could have and I think that would have made matters worse. I told them she needs psychiatric help, not to be locked up with criminals.

We learned the increase in her Abilify caused the violent behavior. She was very remorseful and in tears anytime she thought about it or saw the bruises on me. We are still waiting to get in to see the doctor about the initial mood problems that she was given an antidepressant and then an increase in her anti psychotic medicine to treat. Her doctors' scaled back schedule was the reason she was shifted to a new doctor previously and until she is stabilized, going a month between medication changes, and waiting another month to try a new one when the first one isn't working is not cutting it! I can't continue to watch her suffer and just wait around doing absolutely nothing about it because her doctor is only in two days a month!

This is, believe it or not, the short version of why I've been M.I.A.. I hope all of you and your babies have had, and continue to have, balance.
I will keep everyone updated more frequently so you won't have a novel of a post next time :)
~Melissa
Current Meds:
    • Tegretol (mood stabilizer)    twice daily
    • Abilify    (anti psychotic)      @ night
    • Ativan    (high potency benzo for anxiety - calming/sedating effect)    as needed

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Rollercoaster Ride from Hell

I'm sorry I have been away so long. As many of you know, when a parent of a BP child is away or out of contact for long stretches of time, you can pretty much be guaranteed the child is not stabilized and the parent is spending every waking moment fighting for them. Sadly, that has been the case.

While I was away... my daughter was inpatient for 8 days due to BP Depression and self injury and the pdoc put her (hesitantly) on a low dose antidepressant - as a side note, BP kids and antidepressants are a dangerous combination, as it sends them into the opposite end of the spectrum - into a manic phase. That is exactly what happened with my daughter and everything spiraled out of control. A week after being released from the psychiatric hospital she was in the medical hospital overnight on psych eval/suicide watch, she attempted to run away, she self harmed, 911 was called three times; one of the calls (just four days ago) was because the dosage increase of her anti psychotic medicine had the nasty little side effect of causing her to become extremely violent and physically attack me.

I will post the details of our roller coaster ride over the past 2 months shortly.
Wishing you balance.
~Melissa

Friday, July 8, 2011

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To!

                
Birthday parties! Nothing elicits more excitement, anticipation and squeals of delight from a child, with the exception of Christmas, but birthday parties are a very close second. Kids begin planning and daydreaming about their big day months and months in advance, usually long before your wallet and nerves have recovered from the last birthday party. They plan out their invite list, which is typically extraordinarily long and they plan the theme and activities. When the big day gets close they start doing a countdown, and by close I mean 8 months away! This is exactly how it unfolded in my home for both of my daughters but the end result was very different for my youngest child. 

She would send out numerous invitations to children in the neighborhood, children at school, children from after school care and children she barely knew. As the day approached she would become so excited with the biggest smile on her face, and any mention of her party or purchase of anything for the party, no matter how small it was, would send her into an excited little happy dance, with little squeals of excitement.
When the big day finally arrived, the house was decorated with bright, colorful streamers and balloons and there were bowls of various candies, chips, dips and various goodies set out on the table along with theme table cloth, napkins, cups and plates – all ready for all the little party-goers. Sitting on the couch, wearing the cutest outfit she could find and a party hat with cascades of long brown curls flowing from beneath it, she waited. I would look out the window every so often to see if I saw anyone driving aimlessly passed the house and then look at my watch. As time went on, her big grin was replaced with a look of concern and she would finally ask, “What time is it, mommy?”
When it became evident nobody was coming she was beside herself; still wearing her party hat, surrounded by festive streamers and balloons, her mood was in stark contrast to her surroundings-she sobbed uncontrollably. It was so heartbreaking! I scrambled and called anybody I knew that had children. I called friends and neighbors that I knew had children, no matter their age and sent my oldest daughter and two teenage stepsons out to round up their friends quickly. So, about an hour and a half later than planned, and with no presents other than what her dad and I bought her, she was surrounded by children, laughing, playing and having a wonderful time.
This happened a couple years in a row until her dad and I finally began inviting our friends to come over and bring their children, still allowing our little girl to invite whomever she wanted, but making sure we had ‘backup kids’ just in case. It’s a good thing we did this because we would have run into the same situation again and again or have only one child show up.
Friendships have always been difficult for her.  She became aggressive towards her friends or just ‘mean’ and they didn’t want to play with her again and the
child’s parent didn’t want their child around her. They used her as an example of how not to act and labeled her a bad kid.

Anytime she made a new friend she would get so excited and latch on immediately, skipping  the getting to know them part and ask if they could spend the night, proclaiming they are best friends within minutes of meeting. It never lasted long and many times would dissolve within an hour, leading to tears and my child upset that she doesn’t have friends.  I also lost friendships and had bad blood between neighbors over her moods/behavior because I got angry when people would say rude things or assume she did something because “you know it’s something she would do”…well, that doesn’t mean she did it! I actually had one neighbor tell me she was going to have her son beat my kindergarten aged daughter up because “she’s a bad kid…you know she is”!  Her son was 4 years older, much heavier and about 8 - 10 inches taller than her! I informed her that as soon as he laid a hand on my daughter my step son would beat him up – my step son who was 3 years older than him and had about the same height and weight advantage on her kid that he had on my daughter. Not the best way to handle it but I prevented her from getting pummeled by the bigger, older neighbor kid.
As a teenager, friendships and relationships are still hard for her to maintain. She absolutely adores someone one minute and hates them with a vengeance the next. She says mean, hurtful things and very quickly regrets it and apologizes but after doing this so many times, eventually the friendships dissolve on pretty bad terms, leaving her depressed, sometimes spiraling into suicidal thoughts and almost always cutting to ‘feel better’. It’s a never ending cycle she goes through with friendships, and with boyfriends and the dissolution of these relationships is always very hard on her, leaving her feeling overwhelmed with guilt because she knows she said or did things to bring it about.

She desperately wants good, close, long-lasting friendships and a long-term boyfriend and I desperately want it for her. I’m really hoping that with some good talk-therapy and behavior modification as well as her medications that this will become a reality. She deserves to love and be loved in return. I want her to be madly in love with someone who loves her in return, get married and have her own little girl who squeals with delight and does a happy dance at the thought of her own birthday party.

Wishing you balance.
~Melissa

Monday, July 4, 2011

Behind the Blog

I am a single mother to two beautiful teenage daughters, an adorable Jack Russell Terrier and one senile old kitty cat. I work full time outside of the home and also slowly chip away at courses to (finally) obtain my college degree. A decade long break has drawn the process out but I have been plugging away at it steadily every semester for a couple of years now and can actually see my cap and gown very faintly off in the distance now.

 I am a lover of all things 80's, a music fanatic (all genres with the exception of whiny old country and most rap, with an inclination towards what is now sadly known as "classic" rock), a graphic design hobbyist and psychology junkie. I just can't learn enough to get my fill.

 I have been interested in psychology since I was in grade school. I remember the teachers' question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" always garnered similar and expected responses from the children such as the little boys who wanted to be a fireman or police officer or the little girls who wanted to be ballerinas, veterinarians and teachers. My response of "child psychologist" elicited more bewildered looks than the child who said he was going to be a rock star, as if my career goal was more far-fetched than his!  I forgot all about that career goal as I got a little older and fell in line with the norm, longing to be an interior designer and later a school teacher. 

My long forgotten love of psychology came rushing back to me after I took my first college psychology course. I was instantly drawn in and fell in love. I couldn't get enough of it! The material came easily to me and I took every psychology course I could. I researched and read various psychology textbooks, journals and research studies just for the fun of it. Little did I know what a big role psychology would later play in my life and the life of my youngest child or how vital the knowledge I gained would turn out to be in my fight for the well being of my little girl.

My youngest daughter, who is now almost 15, has Juvenile Bipolar Disorder (Bipolar 1, mixed episodes with ultra-rapid cycling and at times ultradian cycling) and several comorbid conditions that often come as a package deal with Bipolar Disorder in children.
  • Bipolar Disorder
  • ADHD
  • PTSD
  • ODD
  • OCD
  • Panic Disorder
  • Social Anxiety Disorder
This is our journey...
Wishing you balance.
~Melissa