It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To!

                
Birthday parties! Nothing elicits more excitement, anticipation and squeals of delight from a child, with the exception of Christmas, but birthday parties are a very close second. Kids begin planning and daydreaming about their big day months and months in advance, usually long before your wallet and nerves have recovered from the last birthday party. They plan out their invite list, which is typically extraordinarily long and they plan the theme and activities. When the big day gets close they start doing a countdown, and by close I mean 8 months away! This is exactly how it unfolded in my home for both of my daughters but the end result was very different for my youngest child. 

She would send out numerous invitations to children in the neighborhood, children at school, children from after school care and children she barely knew. As the day approached she would become so excited with the biggest smile on her face, and any mention of her party or purchase of anything for the party, no matter how small it was, would send her into an excited little happy dance, with little squeals of excitement.

When the big day finally arrived, the house was decorated with bright, colorful streamers and balloons and there were bowls of various candies, chips, dips and various goodies set out on the table along with theme table cloth, napkins, cups and plates – all ready for all the little party-goers. Sitting on the couch, wearing the cutest outfit she could find and a party hat with cascades of long brown curls flowing from beneath it, she waited. I would look out the window every so often to see if I saw anyone driving aimlessly passed the house and then look at my watch. As time went on, her big grin was replaced with a look of concern and she would finally ask, “What time is it, mommy?”

When it became evident nobody was coming she was beside herself; still wearing her party hat, surrounded by festive streamers and balloons, her mood was in stark contrast to her surroundings-she sobbed uncontrollably. It was so heartbreaking! I scrambled and called anybody I knew that had children. I called friends and neighbors that I knew had children, no matter their age and sent my oldest daughter and two teenage stepsons out to round up their friends quickly. So, about an hour and a half later than planned, and with no presents other than what her dad and I bought her, she was surrounded by children, laughing, playing and having a wonderful time.

This happened a couple years in a row until her dad and I finally began inviting our friends to come over and bring their children, still allowing our little girl to invite whomever she wanted, but making sure we had ‘backup kids’ just in case. It’s a good thing we did this because we would have run into the same situation again and again or have only one child show up.

Friendships have always been difficult for her.  She became aggressive towards her friends or just ‘mean’ and they didn’t want to play with her again and the
child’s parent didn’t want their child around her. They used her as an example of how not to act and labeled her a bad kid.

Anytime she made a new friend she would get so excited and latch on immediately, skipping  the getting to know them part and ask if they could spend the night, proclaiming they are best friends within minutes of meeting. It never lasted long and many times would dissolve within an hour, leading to tears and my child upset that she doesn’t have friends.  I also lost friendships and had bad blood between neighbors over her moods/behavior because I got angry when people would say rude things or assume she did something because “you know it’s something she would do”…well, that doesn’t mean she did it! I actually had one neighbor tell me she was going to have her son beat my kindergarten aged daughter up because “she’s a bad kid…you know she is”!  Her son was 4 years older, much heavier and about 8 - 10 inches taller than her! I informed her that as soon as he laid a hand on my daughter my step son would beat him up – my step son who was 3 years older than him and had about the same height and weight advantage on her kid that he had on my daughter. Not the best way to handle it but I prevented her from getting pummeled by the bigger, older neighbor kid.

As a teenager, friendships and relationships are still hard for her to maintain. She absolutely adores someone one minute and hates them with a vengeance the next. She says mean, hurtful things and very quickly regrets it and apologizes but after doing this so many times, eventually the friendships dissolve on pretty bad terms, leaving her depressed, sometimes spiraling into suicidal thoughts and almost always cutting to ‘feel better’. It’s a never ending cycle she goes through with friendships, and with boyfriends and the dissolution of these relationships is always very hard on her, leaving her feeling overwhelmed with guilt because she knows she said or did things to bring it about.

She desperately wants good, close, long-lasting friendships and a long-term boyfriend and I desperately want it for her. I’m really hoping that with some good talk-therapy and behavior modification as well as her medications that this will become a reality. She deserves to love and be loved in return. I want her to be madly in love with someone who loves her in return, get married and have her own little girl who squeals with delight and does a happy dance at the thought of her own birthday party.

Wishing you balance.
~Melissa